This is an Angry Post

Just be forewarned. I'm grumpy today and my post will reflect that.

Today the alarm went off early. 4 AM early, and it wasn't Gavin. That is what time Matt had to get up to start work. As I write this it is 7:45 PM and he still isn't home. It just plain old sucks. I wish that we were back in the regular old Marine Corps world because recruiting is tough. I cant imagine putting the hours into an outside job the way Matt does. It is not a 40 hour work week here. Sometimes its not even an 80 hour week. Rare are the weekend ends where he doesn't go into work. I guess maybe my mind and heart would be eased if he was earning overtime pay, but hes not. He gets paid the same amount as a SSGT who isn't working recruiting hours (aka actually not working on 72 and 96s and regular 8-4 weekday workdays). I hate it. I feel alone a lot. I know hes doing his job and doing it well but I tend to always feel like I play 2nd fiddle here. And its hard to play 2nd fiddle and still be expected to run everything else.

Matt's job is to provide for our family and the Marine Corps has helped us do that. But to be frank with you, that is his only job. Its hard to mow the lawn when you don't get home until 9pm. Its hard to complete a load of laundry when you don't get home until 9pm. Its hard to do anything after you put in an 18 hour day, day after day. So someone has to run the home front. I guess that's me. Most of the time I do it well and with grace, but not today. I don't want to be in charge of everything. I don't. Is that selfish? Maybe, but the load always feels lighter with two sets of hands instead of one. I guess I'm just tired and this is hard. I said this was going to be an "honest" blog - so I'm being honest. Its not always sunshine and roses over here. Yeah, I know Ive got it good and I work really hard, I just wish that I could share it with someone.

As I suspected I'm not completely done with my Invisalign, which leads me to the days most embarrassing moment. First let me tell you that I am terrified of being "that Mom" who brings her child to inappropriate places. Normally Little G is a quiet, sweet, funny, adorable little guy. I go to the dentist once a month for my teeth straightening journey and every time for the past 7 months he has sat in his stroller like a little angel and behaved. Today, not so much. There was screaming and throwing, and screaming, and crying, and screaming. Did I mention screaming? I was so embarrassed. I did my best to to move out of the waiting area so everyone didn't have to listen to him (and so I could avoid the soul piercing stares of people who a) haven't spent anytime with a 1 year old EVER in their life or b) were trying to do their best to make me feel like the stupidest Mom in the world) and even offered to reschedule my appointment. I know when a ship is sinking and I wanted out of there (as did anyone within a mile radius). But no, a quick view in my mouth confirmed a few more weeks of treatment (something my untrained dentist eyes could have told you without this appt) and a "we'll call you when we get a new plan in place". Great. What a waste of time. I sat in the car and cried in the parking lot for awhile before I slunk home with my tail in between my legs. NEVER again will I take him to the dentist. If it weren't for my ongoing treatment there I might even try to find a new dentist. It was that embarrassing.

Another thing that has bugged me today is not being "In The Loop" something everyone in my family will chuckle at. I don't want to call Aubry - her hubby just got home from Afghanistan. I don't want to call Skyler - her baby is past due and doesn't need her sister calling her and bugging her. I cant call Connor. My mom hasn't answered the phone for the past 2 days. I call Matt and it goes straight to Voicemail. Seriously. I have no idea whats going on. I'm sure the world is still turning, I just don't know whats going on. I'm here alone with a screaming baby and sometimes I just want to talk about SOMETHING, ANYTHING with a human being capable of using some form of words. So there it is family - I just wanna be in the loop!

There is so much more I could sit here and type out but that's plenty for today. Probably too much. But its real. Its where I'm at right now. Is life good? Yes. I'm sure if someone needed me I would know. But for now Ill be here - angry and stewing and Lord know what else and Ill be better tomorrow.

I told you I was grumpy.